John Lennon once said, “I love humanity, it’s just the people I can’t stand”. Never a truer word is spoken in modern society and in particular cinemas and airports. For instance, people who visit cinemas having never eaten popcorn EVER, and suddenly feel the need to shove 5kg of the stuff in their gobs like they’ve been fasting for a month. I deliberately book seats in the worst spots just to avoid the constant grinding and salivating of these inconsiderate vermin. Don’t get me started on the crinkly packet openers! Airports are slightly different. It’s simply a case of who thinks they’re the most important and therefore has the right to do whatever they goddam want. They’ll push into a queue, whether it’s checking in, coffee, or toilets. They’ll block exits, take on too much cabin luggage or just like the cretin in front of me, the huge man who pushes his seat back to the max without checking that my laptop is now touching my nose. The only saving grace is that these same numbskulls go and pay $5 for a packet of Tim Tams in Duty-Free. Thank you Lord.

I have no right to be such a grumpy old bastard because I was once an innocent little barefooted kid from Medina WA who never dreamed of flying to the northern hemisphere. I do feel blessed, every day in fact and never take this opportunity for granted but I do have an issue with some members of the general public. Unfortunately, many of them are found at two of my favourite destinations…the cinema and airports!

The feeling of anticipation over the past few days has been palpable. Yesterday afternoon’s packing was an atmosphere of silent focus. On Friday night knowing all my year-end reviews were completed and zero emails in the inbox was a sheer relief and Lynda was in the same boat at school term’s end. We have planned this trip for the past 12 months on and off. We thought The Montreal Comedy Festival would be an ideal destination and we would work back from there. We chose Portland for no other reason than the respect we have for the quirky comedy series “Portlandia”. It just seems like a really cool place to visit. We hope to get a ticket to the July 4th Waterfront Blues Festival and the following day cycle around the city. We then get a train to Seattle, another city with a strong arts heritage and plenty of beautiful outdoors. I think its 4 days there then a plane to West Glacier in Montana for 5 days. This is outdoor heaven with plenty of day hiking and white water rafting. Then it’s a plane to Minneapolis St Paul, The Twin Cities. All I know about this place is that 2 of my favourite bands Husker Du and The Replacements come from here. The musician Grant Hart who was in Husker Du produced his first solo album “Intolerance” in 1989 and it’s my “Desert Island Disc”. I saw him play in Northcote 7 years ago which was extraordinary, but if I saw him in Minneapolis I would spontaneously combust! From the Twin Cities, it’s a train to Chicago which will be very exciting. Should be plenty of music and art to see and we have booked tickets to a Cubs game at Wrigley Field. Then it’s off to Montreal for the Just for Laughs Festival, the biggest comedy festival in the world. We were very fortunate to spend 4 days at the Edinburgh Fringe 6 years ago and that could only be described as “controlled anarchy!” I’m not sure if Montreal is as “whiskey-laden” as Edinburgh but if it’s half as much fun we will be rapt. We have booked 6 shows for our 6 nights there and we will spend the days exploring the city and outskirts.

Below is a state of the art map I prepared earlier. Lynda’s asleep already and it’s 4pm Melbourne time. She deserves to shut down after what she deals with day in day out. I’m still a bit wired with excitement and anticipation as to what I’m going to do to the blokes head in front of me. He’s bald and I just happen to have a texta. You can take the boy out of Medina………