Taxi Driver is my favourite film of all time. Martin Scorsese’s second full-length feature in 1976 set a new benchmark for moody, angst-ridden film making that was driven by a haunting score from Bernard Herrmann who wrote the music for many of Alfred Hitchcock’s films in the 50’s and 60’s.

Robert Deniro played many great roles in the first 20 years of his career, most notably re-enacting the boxer Jake La Motta’s turbulent life in Raging Bull, but for me, it’s his performance as Travis Bickle the PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) affected ex-Marine that is his pinnacle. New York in the 70’s was a cesspit of crime, prostitution, drugs, and guns. Manhattan had numerous trouble spots including Central Park and Times Square and the relatively poorer boroughs of Brooklyn, Harlem and the Bronx were awash with disorder. Most cabbies feared for their lives in the evening except Travis who with the help of a toxic mix of prescribed and non-prescribed medication worked through without trepidation.

Travis is naive and has a heart of gold but the combination of drugs and confrontations with the filth of New York every day take its toll. He’s stressed, seriously anxious and ready to explode. It’s a chance meeting with a 13-year-old prostitute brilliantly played by Jodie Foster, that turns the film on a course that isn’t going to end well for the baddies! The build-up to the powder keg climax is now of legendary status in celluloid.

6 days ago, I had a 2-hour operation on my wrist. It was a relatively simple removal of arthritis and bone spurs from the joint where the hand meets the wrist. Once scraped out, the joint is then fused and a plate screwed into both sides of the joint securing the joint flush. I had a similar operation done 6 years ago, where my left big toe meets the foot.

After the foot surgery, I was given the painkiller Endone. After taking Endone I had a serious reaction which bordered on hilarious if it wasn’t so frightening. I had just been kicked out of the family home by my ex-wife and still working in Melbourne. Having outstayed my welcome couch crashing at various friend’s houses I found a tiny self-contained bungalow at the back of a house in Melbourne’s eastern suburbs. Cheap and waterproof, I figured this will do for the time being. The bungalow was 3 metres squared so after putting a queen bed in it there was only room for a George Foreman Grill!

Upon my return from the hospital on crutches I was quite lucid and pain-free from the Endone then after getting to sleep, I awoke at 2 am having my first ever panic attack. I grabbed my crutches and made a meal of trying to get out of that box as fast as I could, knocking over anything in my path. Standing with my crutches and in my jocks outside the bungalow that winter morning was another low point in the litany of low points in my life!

Anxiety is a killer in Australia. The vast majority of treatment given by psychologists is for anxiety, so having a medically induced anxiety wasn’t ideal. Every attempt to get back to sleep was thwarted with the overwhelming urge to either get some fresh air, run, scream, hit something or simply pass out in the hope of dying. I tried watching TV but that would be short-lived because a part of my body couldn’t relax and that would psychologically snowball into another negative thought and so on, until I was knotted up again, chest heaving and outside in the cold, this time with a blanket around my shoulders. Only when I was utterly fatigued from the mental energy wasted did my eyes manage to close until I woke to the same issues the following day.

I told the surgeon that I didn’t want Endone this time so he gave me a slow releasing version called Palexia. Different drug, same outcome, only slightly delayed this time! My partner Lynda and I live in a small 3 bedroom house and although thankfully not the bungalow, there is only so much to see when you are walking aimlessly around this place at 2 am off your nut and feeling both claustrophobic and homicidal!

I was given 2 types of Palexia, the 100mg slow release, and a 50mg immediate release. On Sunday I stopped taking both because I knew I had a dentist appointment the following day and wasn’t keen on a sudden catastrophic “freak out” in the chair and having a diamond drill go through the back of my skull!

The dentist appointment went without concern, barring my bank balance of course. As I was paying the dentist Andy’s receptionist the fee for his next round the world adventure, he asked me what I was taking for pain. I told him and he said, “you know they’re opiates, don’t you? Like heroin. Yeah, the strongest I give my patients after a wisdom tooth extraction is 1 Panamax and 1 Nurofen.” He duly gave me that and that’s all I’ve needed ever since.

There’s a couple of things I’ve learned from all this. Firstly, look after your teeth or you can envisage every dentist you come across, sailing around the world at your expense! But seriously, I’ve mentioned those drugs because they are powerful and addictive. Addiction to prescription drugs in Australia is a real problem and Palexia and Endone, definitely do fit that category.

What I picked from Andy is that we all have different pain tolerances. In hindsight, I probably didn’t need a script of the previously mentioned opiates to stay pain-free. Good sleep heals so it seems counterproductive to take something that does the exact opposite. For others, I’m sure there is a legitimate need but discuss it with your surgeon properly prior to surgery. Finally, in terms of panic attacks, my heart goes out to anyone who has been through them. When I first was afflicted, a friend  Sandy Colombo http://colomboconsulting.com.au/ recommended a very simple book by Bev Aisbett called “Living with It” which outlines some very easy strategies to overcome this very common affliction. https://www.angusrobertson.com.au/books/living-with-it-a-survivors-guide-to-panic-attacks-revised-edition-bev-aisbett/p/9780732295950?gclid=CjwKCAiAxarQBRAmEiwA6YcGKKth95nnQlYDUfXk-kUqkx11kS3eayP6Y_a_SrCa3LlLSXHyQ72leBoCcckQAvD_BwE

Without giving away the story of Taxi Driver, Travis Bickle does eventually gain some redemption and clarity through his actions. Thankfully I chose a different path to Travis by simply discarding the opiates. Good news also for the local dope dealer 3 doors up, who may well have been confronted with this sight below at 2 am.