The setting is Channel Nine HQ Sydney. A pre-production meeting for season nine of Married at First Sight. Present is the producer and one of the so called experts.

Producer – Right, we know why we are here.

Expert – Yes, to find true, long lasting relationships for previously heartbroken young men and women.

Producer – Forget that. We need as many dysfunctional, delusional idiots as you can find that we can ply with booze in order to disgrace themselves on national television.

Expert – Right. No probs.

 And here we go again. The highest rating show on TV is back and once again becomes the chief ‘water cooler’ topic of conversation, that is if anyone is actually back in the office.

I’ve been racking my brain as to why this lowbrow piece of trash is watched by my friends and my partner who is one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met.

I’ve come to the conclusion that if you’re my age, say over 50, there’s a fair chance you’ve had some traumatic and often expensive relationship break-ups along the way.

Witnessing these naïve fools dive head-first into a so called experiment with a 99% fail rate, somehow makes us feel better. From the first eight seasons of this show, only two couples have stuck it out.

So, what I was thinking is to pitch an idea to Channel Nine as if they genuinely want these contestants to find true happiness and not humiliate themselves and their families for eternity.

It’s much the same format but when the couples return from their honeymoon they then go to a ‘real life married scenario’ in the state of their choice for three months.

No drunken dinner parties, wife swapping, bullying, gaslighting, none of that. If they are serious about committing to the premise of marriage then this is the best course of action.

Each couple will be given their own ‘spec’ home, partially landscaped in the following suburbs, given none of the couples can afford to buy in the city:

  • Packenham, Vic
  • Macquarie Fields, NSW
  • Logan, Qld
  • Salisbury, SA
  • Mandurah, WA

To ensure the family experience is complete, each couple will have two foster kids of varying ages thrown into the mix for the three months.

Before long they will discover what life is really like cleaning, cooking, paying off a mortgage and bills, taking the kids to school and sport, and why your partner spends so much time out with friends or on the phone.

Married at First Sight proports to be a serious social experiment where real challenges of married life are squeezed into a pressure cooker environment.

This of course is a complete fallacy, so Channel Nine just own up to what it really is, clickbait for the disenfranchised masses and a distraction from the mundane.

You want reality TV? Stick ‘em in the suburbs. But no one would watch that right?