Now before anyone “arcs up” about this final song by The False Idols, may I remind you that our beloved Werribee is in fact home to the city of Melbourne’s major sewerage treatment plant. Fact…and as a player at the club in the 80’s and 90’s we were subjected to a barrage of cheap insults from opposition players, week in week out.

Most of the players at footy clubs are single and we were no different. If we played home games, there was usually one place many players converged on once the pubs were shutting down and that was Blazers or “Blah” to the locals. It was an appalling nightclub attached to the Werribee Plaza Hotel and numerous players such as D Taylor, C Wright and L Fitzpatrick had life memberships.

If we played away on a Saturday televised game, it was guaranteed to be a big night. Venues like the Saloon Bar and the infamous Tunnel were notorious haunts for AFL and VFA players. The only difficulty for knuckleheads like me was convincing a young lady to come back to the City of Wyndham. If you met someone compatible during the evening, the subject of where you lived was kept close to your chest and fingers crossed that if they liked you enough, they would invite you to their place in the inner city.

I distinctly remember a typically unsuccessful night ending with a drunken exit from the Tunnel at 7am one Sunday. I shared a cab with another bloke who lived in Sunshine so after dropping him off, the cab drove past the local golf club. Half asleep and stinking of beer and cigarette smoke, I saw golfers taking their clubs out of the boots of their cars preparing for a great day on the fairways. I thought to myself, “I’ll get home to Hoppers, be $60 lighter for the cab, sleep till 4pm, make some spaghetti on toast, go back to bed.” Top day.

This song was simply born from the many lonely trips home from those Saturday nights. Enter “Way Out West” sung to “Way Out West” by the Dingoes.

Way out West on the way to Geelong
Near the Maltby Bypass, oh boy does it pong
Coz it stinks out here
Sniffin’ and a breathin’ in the Farm

When you’re driving your car, make sure the vents are all closed
Jam those windows tight, put a peg on your nose
Coz it stinks out here
Sniffin’ and a breathin’ in the Farm

What a stench, what a stench it is
Yes it’s a nasal assault
What a shame, what a shame it is
I guess our arseholes are all at fault

Way out West in the industrial zone
In this toxic wasteland we call our home
Gee its dangerous out here
Sniffin’ and a breathin’ in the fumes

When you chat up a girl, say you’re from Willy instead
If you say Werribee, you’d be better off dead
Coz its taboo out here
For a girl from the Eastern Suburbs

What a shit, what a shit it is
Please just excuse the pun
What a pain, what a pain it is
They only think of Werribee when they get the runs.

Repeat first verse