Me – Prime Minister, thank you for your time today

PM – Not a problem. I’ve got plenty of it. How good’s Australia?

Me –  Well not that flash at the moment. 70% of the country is in lockdown.

PM – Yes, dreadful state of affairs. Gold, gold, gold!

Me – Thousands dead and dying and your only response is a feeble reference to the Olympics?

PM – How good are Emma Seebohm and Cate Titmus? Magnificent.

Me – You’ve had a meteoric rise to PM so let’s look back at how it all started shall we?

PM – I don’t like to boast.

Me – Good. You were boss of Tourism Australia for 2 x years right?

PM – A triumphant 2 x years at that. How good is marketing?

Me – You were sacked after 2 x years…

PM – (interrupting) not sacked, dismissed.

Me – What’s the difference?

PM – Dismissed is more military, like my defence personnel who bravely gave their lives in Afghanistan. How good’s freedom?

Me– Surely you’re not comparing your climate controlled office in North Sydney to the horrors of war?

PM – We’re all in this together. How good’s mateship? And climate for that matter?

Me – Right….well you were dismissed after producing a misogynistic and mind numbing advertisement that included the slogan, “where the bloody hell are ya?”

PM – Sure the model was 18, but we did manage to get her breasts to jiggle which was marketing 101. Pure Gold.

Me – Oh my God

PM – Yes he was there too. How good’s God?

Me – So after the failed tourism role I guess you couldn’t stoop any lower and politics beckoned?

PM – As Sir Les Patterson would say, “I was so low I could parachute out of a snake’s arsehole and still freefall.”

Me – So you managed to railroad a very qualified candidate for the seat of Cook with false claims that were later unproven, effectively destroying his career, is that correct?

PM – Well he was of foreign extraction and you know how well that sits around Cronulla he, he, he. How good were the riots?

Me – Speaking of Cronulla, you’ve given the impression you have followed rugby league all your life?

PM – That’s right. Go the Seals!

Me – The Sharks

PM – Yes the Sharks! How good is Paul Gallen?

Me – After entering federal politics you were heavily criticised by humanitarian organisations on your handling of refugees, in particular children.

PM – Shit rolls downhill

Me – Sorry?

PM – I have others making those decisions for me. How good is Christmas Island?

Me – Yes your reputation for “handballing” responsibility is reaching monumental proportions.

PM – We pass, not handball. We’re not the Sydney Seagulls.

Me – Swans

PM – Whatever. How good’s the AFL?

Me – After knifing Malcolm Turnbull and miraculously getting the votes to become PM designate, you overcame a pathetic Bill Shorten to become PM in 2019. Well done.

PM – It was nothing really. How good is politics?

Me – Your first real test of leadership was the bushfires of 2019/20. Where were you?

PM – I snuck away to Hawaii with the family for a bit of R&R. I heard about the fires but what could I do? Put it out from Kirribilli House with a hose extension from Bunnings? How good are the snags at Bunnings?

Me – When you finally came back you showed little to no empathy for the families and firefighters didn’t you?

PM – I didn’t want to shake their hands anyway. Covered in charcoal. How good’s the bush?

Me – Jesus Christ

PM – He’s not far away either. Should be here soon. How good’s Hillsong?

Me – We’d better wind it up. I guess the most critical thing your citizens want to know is what you’re doing about the pandemic? You said it wasn’t a race.

PM – Shit rolls downhill.

Me – Of course it does. Prime Minister what do you say to those Australians that see you as nothing more than a misogynistic, spineless, narcissistic, self-serving, deflecting, unaccountable and untrustworthy imposter?

PM – Everyone’s entitled to their opinion. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!

Me – Right, that’s a wrap. Thanks.

PM – Thank you Tracey.

Me – Ian

PM – Yes, Ian. Care to stay for morning tea? Jen’s just cooked a lovely sponge and I’ve got nowhere to go.

Me – Yeah, love a sponge, thanks.

PM – Jen, put the kettle on love. How good are women?