I’ve always liked Jai Amiss from the Fremantle Dockers. Apart from the fact he is already a seasoned player at the ripe old age of 23, he has an excellent temperament. He appears understated and doesn’t over celebrate like some of his contemporaries in the team tend to do. Perhaps its his haircut, but Jai looks like he’s been transported from the 70’s when VFL footballers were part time. I imagine he would have worked in the service industry, dealing with the public, utilising his natural empathy and politeness.
My late mum Margaret (1922 to 2014) was mother to six, step mum to three and foster mother to two. The following vignettes are based loosely on how I imagined my mum interacting with Jai Amiss if Jai worked at the local post office.
Scenes From A Post Office #1
JA – Good morning Mrs Wilson. Here at 9am as usual?
MW- No point sleeping in Jai. Got a bit on as usual.
JA – What’s on today?
MW – Water aerobics and having my toe nails done at the podiatrist
JA – Terrific. How can I help you today?
MW – Just ten stamps please Jai. I thought you played well the other night
JA – Thanks Mrs Wilson.
MW – My grandson thinks that Pony fellow is a wanker Jai
JA – Oh I wouldn’t say that Mrs Wilson. That’s a bit harsh.
MW – That’s what I told him. If you want to call anyone a wanker it’s the Yank. I’ll grab that digital clock on special too please Jai.
JA – That’s $21.50 please Mrs Wilson
Scenes From A Post Office #2
JA – Good morning Mrs Wilson. How did the water aerobics go yesterday?
MW – I loved it thanks Jai. I think its important to keep fit don’t you think?
JA – Absolutely Mrs Wilson
MW – Now you know that clock I bought yesterday? I want to send it to my sister. What would you recommend Jai?
JA – Well you will probably need a padded bag Mrs Wilson.
MW – That’s a good idea Jai. Can’t be too careful.
JA – Now Mrs Wilson where are we sending this to?
MW – 35 Rose St, Cottesloe
JA – Mrs Wilson that’s just a block from your house. Surely you could save yourself some money and just walk there?
MW – Thanks for your advice Jai but I can’t stand the woman. She criticised my rainbow cake at the bowls club last week.
JA – I’m sorry to hear that. Families can be tricky.
MW- So how much for the padded bag and postage Jai?
JA – Standard or priority Mrs Wilson?
MW – Standard for her
JA – That’s $12.50 please Mrs Wilson.
Scenes From a Post Office #3
JA – Good morning Mrs Wilson. Lovely day.
MW – Another Perth day Jai. Hot and sunny with no relief on the horizon.
JA – Best weather in Australia don’t you think Mrs Wilson?
MW – If you’re a lizard Jai.
JA – Fair enough. How can I help you today Mrs Wilson?
MW – Just want to pay my gas bill Jai
JA – Certainly Mrs Wilson. Cash or card?
MW – The only cards I carry are my pensioner and Legacy cards.
JA – So you’re a wife of a military veteran Mrs Wilson?
MW – Yes two of them. Both dead weights.
JA – That’s $47.60 thanks Mrs Wilson.
Scenes From a Post Office #4
JA – Good morning Mrs Wilson. You look nice today.
MW – Thanks Jai. You’re not trying to crack onto me are you?
JA – No, no Mrs Wilson of course not. I have a girlfriend as it happens.
MW – That’s a shame. I was thinking of taking you for a parma and a shandy at the RSL tonight.
JA – Haha , that’s very kind but I have training tonight all the same.
MW – Who have you got this week Jai?
JA – St Kilda Mrs Wilson
MW – Piece of piss you’d think
JA – Never take anything for granted Mrs Wilson
MW – Cut the clichés Jai. Can I please have a stamped envelope and two packets of these out of date generic brand lollies.
JA – Sure Mrs Wilson. The lollies for you?
MW – No my grandson. I’ve got him this afternoon. He’s a pain in the arse. It’s the only way I can shut him up.
JA – That’s $5.50 thanks Mrs Wilson.
Scenes From a Post office #5
JA – Good afternoon Mrs Wilson how are you?
MW – Not great Jai. You know those out of date lollies I bought this morning?
JA – Yes Mrs Wilson
MW – They’ve made my grandson sick
JA – In what way Mrs Wilson?
MW– He spewed them up. Left a trail on the kitchen floor and through the flywire door leading to the backyard.
JA – I’m so sorry to hear that Mrs Wilson. Were you sick as well?
MW – Oh I didn’t touch them Jai. The little pig ate both packets.
JA – I see.
MW – He said he saw you eating lollies at half time of last weekend’s game. You know how much he looks up to you Jai. He’s convinced that gutsing lollies down will get him a game at the Dockers one day.
JA – Please explain to him Mrs Wilson that I eat everything in moderation in order to be an elite athlete.
MW – Oh I know that Jai. The kid’s an idiot.
JA – Can I help with anything else this afternoon?
MW – Just one of these half price colouring books please Jai. I need to appease the kid and his mother.
JA – That’s $2.50 thanks Mrs Wilson
Scenes From a Post office #6
JA – Good morning Mrs Wilson
MW – Hello Jai. Well played on Saturday.
JA – Thanks Mrs Wilson
MW – I see The Pony got in your way again a few times.
JA – It was probably my fault Mrs Wilson, not sticking to what we call structures.
MW – I don’t think so Jai. That Pony would be better off in a glue factory as far as I’m concerned.
JA – Haha that’s a bit unfair Mrs Wilson. How can I help you today?
MW – I’ll just have these WA wildflower pack of four coasters please Jai
JA – Certainly. I’ll wrap them for you.
MW – Jai, I noticed some unruly looking chaps on top of the grandstand playing some god awful music before the game.
JA – Yes Mrs Wilson. It’s designed to excite the crowd.
MW – What do you listen to before a game Jai?
JA – Oh anything by the Eagles, LRB or Hall and Oates gets me going Mrs Wilson and just before I run out it’s always Africa by Toto.
MW – Interesting. My grandson likes something called death metal. The singer sounds constipated. I just shut the bedroom door.
JA – That’s $9.99 thanks Mrs Wilson.
Scenes From a Post Office #7
JA – Good morning Mrs Wilson
MW – Morning Jai. Congratulations on winning the Derby on Saturday.
JA – Thanks Mrs Wilson. Always great to beat the Eagles. How can I help you today?
MW – I need a new address book Jai. Imitation leather preferably
JA – Here’s one I think you’ll like. It’s ten years old and excuse the dust but people use their phones these days.
MW – Writing’s becoming a lost art now. I’ll let you in on a little secret Jai. I barrack for the Eagles.
JA – May I ask why Mrs Wilson? You live south of the river.
MW – Be that as it may Jai, The Eagles were here a long time before The Dockers
JA – That’s true Mrs Wilson. Do you have a favourite player?
MW – It was always Dean Kemp Jai.
JA – Oh yes another south-west boy. A brilliant player.
MW – He certainly was Jai. Lovely skills on both sides , fair, never nasty and never came off the ground like the modern player.
JA – The players rotate because of sports science Mrs Wilson
MW – Sports nonsense if you ask me
JA – That’s $3.50 please Mrs Wilson
Scenes From a Post Office #8
JA – Good morning Mrs Wilson
MW – Morning Jai. Bad luck on Friday night.
JA – Thanks Mrs Wilson. They’re not the premiers for nothing.
MW – Got a few posers in their team haven’t they Jai?
JA – Maybe Mrs Wilson but they do have some credits in the bank.
MW – Not in my eyes Jai. I can’t stand show offs.
JA – How can I help you today Mrs Wilson?
MW – I noticed the price of that Prince Andrew and Fergie Commemorative Coin Set has dropped considerably Jai. Can I buy that please?
JA – Certainly Mrs Wilson. May I ask who it’s for?
MW – My Pommy friend Ruth is a rather irritating, one eyed monarchist. It’s for her.
JA – That’s $8.50 thanks Mrs Wilson
Scenes From a Post Office #9
JA – Morning Mrs Wilson. What have you got there?
MW – Hello Jai. I’ve got a heap of stuff to send to a son in Melbourne
JA – I see, well it looks like you’ll need an extra-large recycled cardboard box
MW – Thankyou Jai. I’ll put the items here on the counter shall I?
JA – Certainly Mrs Wilson. OK. Um this looks like a used carton of Masters Iced Coffee and a used carton of Brownes Percolated Iced Coffee?
MW – That’s right Jai
JA – Um, these are small jars which contain what looks like beach sand, all with home made labels written on torn exercise book pages and attached with sticky tape?
MW – Ingenious don’t you think?
JA – There’s Leighton, Kwinana, Golden Bay, Point Peron, Warnbro, and Preston
MW – His favourites, but the sand is all from Cottesloe Beach. He won’t know the difference.
JA – And there’s a jar here with just grass in it marked ‘Medina Oval’.
MW – He and his younger brother’s spiritual home Jai. Kept them busy playing footy and cricket and therefore away from me for hours on end.
JA – And this looks like some WA prickles from the bush?
MW – Yes Jai and you’ll see I threw half a dozen ‘Double Gees’ in as well.
JA – Yes I remember stepping on a few of those growing up in Busselton Mrs Wilson.
MW – Go straight through a thong if you weren’t careful Jai.
JA – A WA, 1979, 150th year T shirt?
MW – Found it in an op shop. The year he left school.
JA – Finally a used wrapper from a Peter’s Giant Sandwich?
MW – They’re not so giant anymore Jai, but they were WA’s greatest ice cream in the 70’s.
JA – So what’s the purpose of all this Mrs Wilson?
MW – Well he has turned into a Victorian over the years. This is just a reminder of where he came from. Hopefully it provokes him and he books a flight home for Xmas.
JA – I like it Mrs Wilson. That’s $34.70 please.
Scenes From a Post Office #10
JA – Good morning Mrs Wilson
MW – Hello Jai. A little birdy tells me you’ve won employee of the month
JA – Who told you that Mrs Wilson?
MW – Edna Walsh. She said it to me in passing to annoy me as she knows how much I admire you. I’ll get her back
JA – No need for reprisals Mrs Wilson. Yes, there’s the certificate
MW – Oh congratulations Jai and about time. I was ready to write a letter to those in charge.
JA – Thanks Mrs Wilson. How can I help you today?
MW – Well I thought I’d celebrate your award and the four goals you kicked on the weekend by purchasing some Dockers merchandise you have here gathering dust.
JA – But you’re an Eagles supporter Mrs Wilson.
MW – True Jai. It’s for my grandson Tom. The boy’s a pain in the neck but I don’t like to discriminate. He’s visiting next weekend so this will shut him up for a while.
JA – So it’s the Dockers mouse pad, an Optus Stadium keyring and a Dockers glass tankard. Is that the lot Mrs Wilson?
MW – Yes thankyou Jai. And these are for you (hands over a box of Cadbury Roses). Better than a certificate I would have thought.
JA – You didn’t have to do that Mrs Wilson. Thank you so much.
MW – Pleasure Jai and keep up the great work. You’re a credit to Australia Post.
JA – That’s $22.50 please Mrs Wilson
Good luck to Jai and The Dockers in the quest for their first flag in 2026!
