By the way if anyone here is in advertising or marketing…kill yourself. It’s just a thought, I’m just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day they’ll take root, I don’t know. You try. You do what you can.

Seriously though, if you are, do.

Aaah, no really. There’s no rationalisation for what you do and you are Satan’s little helpers. Okay – kill yourself.

Seriously. You are the ruiner of all things good.

Seriously.

No this is not a joke. You’re all going, “There’s going to be a joke coming.” There’s no f….g joke coming. You are Satan’s spawn filling the world with bile and garbage. You are f….d and you are f….g us. Kill yourself. It’s the only way to save your soul. Kill yourself

Planting seeds.

I know all the marketing people are going, “He’s doing a joke…” There’s no joke here whatsoever. Suck a tail-pipe, hang yourself, borrow a gun from a Yank friend – I don’t care how you do it. Rid the world of your evil machinations.

I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now too: “Oh, you know what Bill’s doing? He’s going for that anti-marketing dollar. That’s a good market. He’s very smart.”

Oh man, I am not doing that, you evil scumbags!

“Ooh, you know what Bill’s doing now? He’s going for the righteous indignation dollar. That’s a big dollar. A lot of people are feeling that indignation. We’ve done research – huge market. He’s doing a good thing.”

Godammit, I’m not doing that, you scum-bags! Quit putting a goddamn dollar sign on every f…..g thing on this planet. –  Bill Hicks

This little rant from 30 years ago has been coming into my head all week since I have read our PM (Scott Morrison’s) posts in Linkedin, lauding our Olympic athletes. It’s a marketing ploy so old and tiresome that I’m utterly astonished that educated people have actually commented on this diatribe as though he is actually speaking to them! (“great stuff Scott”, “Aussie Aussie Aussie”, “so true”) Please! Spare me.

It has nothing to do with our amazing Olympians. It’s called a distraction or spin. In case you haven’t noticed, we have 60% of our country in lockdown due to a pandemic and the lowest %  rate of vaccination of any country in the developed world. This PM (Scott Morrison) is getting away with murder but he’s a marketer 101.

During my 30 x years in the world of FMCG, there were always clashes between sales and marketing. Marketing generally were the dreamers and sales were the reality. Never the Twain met although there was one successful launch that I witnessed in the most unlikely of fashion.

Sorbent toilet tissue was constantly fighting Kleenex for market dominance in the grocery trade. When I worked for Sorbent in the late 80’s, Sorbent had a superior product or what we jokingly called a DPF of 10/10 ( digital penetration factor 🙂 ). Kleenex on the other hand dominated the facial tissue category with their much gentler product. Taking market share from Kleenex in facial tissue was like climbing Everest for our company, Carter Holt Harvey.

The company brought in two dynamic female marketers to turn things around. Firstly they hired comedian and actress Magda Szubanski to be the face of the Sorbent brand with iconic TV ads. Magda was a rising star and her impressions were very funny and clearly resonated with the average Australian. Secondly, they decided to steer away from ever trying to compete with the quality of Kleenex. For whatever reason, the machinery at the plant in Box Hill couldn’t produce it, so they turned their attention to the packaging. At that stage both Kleenex and Sorbent boxes were very bland so they went all out designing a bright and attractive new range, using the existing plant and with little increase in the cost structure.

The result was an overwhelming success. The ladies listened to the sales team re: the tools they required and they gave every rep a large cardboard, coffin shaped display case that had drawers containing the new look Sorbent facial. Sounds crazy now given reps carry little more than an Ipad, but it genuinely hooked the buyers and consumers. Facial tissue was suddenly fun!

At the sales conference in Coolum the launch was suitably daggy and hilarious with a guest appearance by Magda performing as Melbourne “bodgie” chick, Michelle Grogan and her boyfriend, Ferret. Sorbent facial product placement was added to Magda’s existing Sorbent TV ads and we were away! Although Sorbent facial was a serviceable quality it wasn’t a patch on Kleenex’s. The packaging was the distraction, and it worked, taking enormous market share from Kleenex and with little increase in costs, exceeded the profit forecasts.

 

 

 

 

 

There are 2 x marketing disasters that come top of mind during my time in the industry. In 1999 beer giant Lion Nathan, formed a sub-arm called HMC and bought 46 x primely located hotels, freehold, in and around Melbourne in order to pour Tooheys and Hahn beer to take market share from CUB (Carlton United Breweries). Not only that, they also bought the naming rights for The Melbourne Cup. All up an investment of approx. $70m. Can you imagine the round table thinking that went into that decision?

Ok so are we in agreeance?

Yep….what are we doing again?

Spending $70m of shareholder funds to take on a competitor with 80% market share and a century of embedded equity and state-based loyalty.

Sure…why not.

What resulted was a fire sale of iconic pubs, extraordinary losses on the bottom line and some seriously angry shareholders.

Whilst working at Arnotts, a decision was made to change the flavour of the Shapes brand. Why? Because some focus groups had been set up by the brand managers and their boss to convince themselves that something needed to change. What must have been nothing more than a gut feeling turned into another unmitigated disaster.

The feedback from the focus groups apparently was that Shapes needed more flavour. Not a problem. What we’ll do is just add more flavouring to the biscuit right? The Shapes brand is one of, if not the most popular brand of biscuit in the country, so lets reward our loyal customers with a bit more artificial dust!

No. What the brand team decided to do was change the flavour all together. BBQ Shapes, which I personally adore and market leader in the category since Melbourne FC’s last premiership, had a complete makeover. Before the product even hit shelves, word had got out in social media and the subsequent vitriol from the Australian consumers was described by the marketing boss as “bringing the brand top of mind with our consumers” ie distraction or spin.

The hardest part was convincing my sales team to buy into the flimsy rhetoric surrounding the launch. Within a couple of months the Original BBQ Shapes were forced back on shelf and branded “Original” not dissimilar to Coca Cola’s cock up in the 80’s with their formulation change. Just like the “new Coke”, the new Shapes soon reverted back to the old, where they still are today. Yet another waste of time, money and resources. Why? Because of someone’s ego manifesting with “yes men” and enormous budgets to spend.

Scott Morrison’s rise from shabby marketer to PM is dumbfounding really. He was sacked in 2006 as Managing Director of Tourism Australia. There is still considerable conjecture over his handling of the $180m he spent on the tacky and ill-fated “where the bloody hell are ya” campaign. Seeing failed marketers getting shifted to new roles like predator priests to new parishes is sadly a reality, but to reach the highest office in the country is frightening.

I don’t trust politicians on either side, full stop, but this one’s values and behaviours are frankly scary in their negligence. Whether it’s the sports rorts, asking his wife for clarity on sexual assault, avoiding any discussion on climate change, jobs for the boys, complacency on vaccination, funding marginal seats or just popping his head out of his tortoise shell for a quick “gold, gold, gold”, it’s become infuriating. We need some vision, leadership and reassurance in a hurry or our country’s credibility on the world stage will be bereft of any market share whatsoever.